Rumors/Trivia List - Right or Wrong #003a
(Joke Versions)

The year is 1802. Only two hundred years ago.
What a difference two centuries make ...

• The average life expectancy in the US was 7.
• Only .001 % of the homes in the US had a bathtub.
• Only 0% of the homes had a telephone.
  • A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost $5,209,712,011.37. (Higher if operator-assisted.)
• There were only 2 cars in the US & only 1 mile of paved roads.
  Both cars were totaled in a head-on collision involving alcohol.
• The maximum speed limit in most cities was 3 mph.
• Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California.
  • With a mere three residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union, and it wasn't even in the Union yet. We don't count Native Americans, of course.
• The highest structure in the world was Havey Briggs of Pennsylvania.
  He wasn't exactly tall, but he was an early proponent of cannabis.
• The average wage in the US was minus 22 cents an hour.
• The average US worker had to pay his boss between $200 & $400 per year.
  [However -LE]
  • A competent accountant could expect to earn $20 per year, a dentist $25 per year, a veterinarian would starve because animals had not been invented yet and a mechanical engineer about $5 per year.
  • Politicians, however, were rolling in it.
• More the 95% of all births in the US took place at home.
  The rest took place at the neighbors'.
• Ninety percent of all US physicians had no college education.
  Instead, they studied abroad.
  Her name was "Bubbles" LaTour, and four out of five doctors agreed.
• Sugar cost less than ten cents a ton.
• Eggs were free.
• They paid you ten dollars a cup to drink coffee.
• Most women only washed their hair once a year and used oyster shells as a shampoo.
  Many of them were called by the pet name "Nick". [Anybody get this one? -LE]
• Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from ending any sentence with any word other than "eh".
• The five leading causes of death in the US were:
  1. Phthisis (people died trying to spell it);
  2. Catarrh (it's harmless, but sounds deadly, so lots of people died to be on the safe side);
  3. Scrofula;
  4. Consumption;
  5. Asteroid strikes.
• The American flag had 1 star.
  It was supposed to have fifteen, but the Kaiser stole fourteen of them. Thus the Thirty Years War was fought backward, from 1802-1772. The Germans never forgave us.
• The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was none.
  No, we are NOT counting those Native Americans! Stop bugging me about that.
• Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.
  Curiously, the Apple Computer had, but it had only one byte of RAM.
• There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
  Wednesday was suspect as a new addition to the calendar.
  George Washington's Birthday was celebrated on the real George Washington's Birthday. Nobody but he had the day off, anyway. And the cake tended to rot his teeth.
• Nine in ten US adults couldn't read or write.
  No Americans had graduated from high school.
  Thomas Jefferson did have his G.E.D., however.

• Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist:

  "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach & the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."

   
• The standard treatment for hemerrhoids [sic -LE] was a red-hot poker (you don't want to know).
• Alka-Seltzer had not been invented, and people had to drop aspirins into a glass of water and blow through a straw.
• 58% of households in the US had at least one full-time servant or domestic.
  In certain parts of the country, they were bought and sold.
• And, there were about 230 reported murders in the US ...
  ... all of them in New York.

What will the future bring? Only time will tell.
One thing's for sure, it won't be as interesting as the past.

The year is 2102, only a hundred years in the future.
What a difference a century makes ...

• The average life expectancy in the US is 147.
• Only 14% of the homes in the US still have a bathtub.
  95% now have instant atomic cleaning.
• Only 8% of the homes have a telephone, yet AOL claims to have 47,000,000 members; 15 of which enjoy the service.
  • A three-minute call from Denver to New York City costs $11.00, the same price as a cup of coffee.
• There are 8,000,000,000 cars in the US, 5 times the current population.
  • The minimum age for driving was dropped to 7 in 2007, the same year George W. Bush dropped the voting age to 7 and was immediately voted "Emperor of the US for Life" by the newly sufferaged teens and pre-teens.
• There are still only 144 miles of paved roads.
  • The maximum speed limit is 10 gawdzillian MPH, but your mother will only let you go 30.
• Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were all rendered [un -LE]inhabitable in the nuclear war of 2064, started by George W. Bush III. Al Gore V was still whining that he should be emperor for life, and GWB3 got tired of hearing it.
• The tallest structure in the world is the NewNewYork Dome, set about the city of NewNewYork to protect it from nuclear radiation and the threat of terrorist attack. It is 20 feet above ground level, since all structures since 2035 have been built underground.
• The average wage in the US is 22 cents an hour.
  The average US worker doesn't, and relies on welfare.
  • Accountancy was eliminated as a job in the wake of the Enron scandal;
  • Dentistry [was -LE] eliminated since the advent of Soilent Green; and
  • Animals are now their own veterinarians.
• More the 95% of all births in the US take place outside of the country.
• Ninety percent of all US physicians reside in California, which still has a robust plastic surgery industry.
• Sugar and coffee were re-asigned as class 3 narcotics.
  You can now buy sugar on most street corners for cost $400 a pound.
• Eggs are 14 cents a dozen, but you have to pay a $150 tax to cover the posibility of high cholesterol.
• Most women lose their hair at the age of 20 from radiation poisoning.
• Canada passed a law prohibiting US citizans from entering the country.
• The five leading causes of death in the US are:
  1. radioactive cockroaches;
  2. Clamydia;
  3. Diarrhea;
  4. being shot by your wife for lipstick on your collar;
  5. Sugar addiction.
• The American flag has 45 stars:
  • Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were combined into one state called The Alamisiaten Nuclear Zone.
  • Arizona and New Mexico were determined to have been illegally annexed and were returned to Mexico.
  • Hawaii suceeded from the union to become its own nation.
  • Alaska got so tired of the attitude of Texans that it split into two states, Alaska and nfbskyoua just to make Texas the third largest state.
• The population of Las Vegas, Nevada is now 1,000,000,030, or more than half of the population of the country.
• Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea have been criminalized.
• There is no longer a Mother's Day or Father's Day, but every day has officially been announced as "Children's Day".
• One in ten US adults now write their own sports tell-all books.
• Marijuana, heroin, and morphine consumption are mandated for residents of Seattle in the hopes of creating the next "Nirvana".
• 18% of households in the US have at least one full-time servant or domestic.
  They are robotic and look exactly like "Rosie" from "The Jetsons"
• And, there are about 230,000 reported murders in the US. each year;
  Most of those are by people who are sick and tired of getting these stupid lists of how great the world was 100 years ago.

[All spelling from original -LE]

[The Year is] 2005 - a look back a 20 millenia ago.
Things certainly have changed since 2005:

• The average daily wage was around $80, less than a cup of coffee.
• Persons with healh [sic -LE] problems had to go to a primitive physiological specialist called a 'Doctor' - who charged money for their services (this was before the discovery of the Sacred Texts).
• There were fewer than 9 billion persons alive on the home planet.
  That's 2% of those living now!
• There were archaic pseudo-spiritual organizations called 'religions' that flourished under the banner of helping mankind understand and face a concept known as 'death'.
• There was a great repository of knowledge known as 'The Snopes' - which was the contemporary incarnation of the Library of Alexandria.
• Human beings often prayed to their household gods through an earthenware or synthetic (penchant on your class) altar, into which they sacrificed their bodily wastes in order to please their main deity 'The Great Porcelain Goddess'.
• There was a concept known as 'pollution' wherein organizations called 'conglomerates' would voluntarily destroy their ecosystems.
• No one died of Space Sickness.
• Humanity had not explored farther than the second planet from them - alternatively Venus or Mars (using the ancient vulgate).
• Education was free and available to everyone under the assumption that everyone deserved an equal chance. No one knows whence menial laborers were picked.
• There was more than one language!
• Old Earth was divided up into arbitrary political zones, which sought to aceive [sic -LE] dominance over each of the others through military or economic sanction. They were each ruled in separate ways.

And, ultimately - No one worshipped the Emperor!
Barbarians!